In a rather unfortunate design coincidence, the bottle for stool softener medication looks an awful lot like the one for "PM" (sleepy time) Pain Relief. When trying to find some PM Pain Relief in the middle of the night, I’ve learned it’s best to do so with the bathroom lights turned on…
…PM Pain Relief is also really good for getting much needed sleep if you have a cold—it’s way better than Nyquil. I can’t stand Nyquil, even though people swear by it helping with cold symptoms. One major cold symptom is sneezing, but I’ve never sneezed while asleep…
…Covering your mouth when you sneeze is only helpful if you wash your hands right away. That’s why you should sneeze into your elbow. Unless you frequently dispense the obscene Manguito gesture (also known as the "forearm jerk" or the elegant sounding "Bras d'honneur"), in which case, maybe sneeze into the inside of your shirt, even though that’s kind of gross and could require regular showering and laundering throughout the day…
…Speaking of washing hands, doing so in a public restroom is only effective so long as everyone who uses the handle to open the door has thoroughly washed their own hands as well. Otherwise, it is a single point of failure in spreading germs. Therefore, it’s best to use a paper towel to grab the door handle…
…While automatic hand dryers are better for the environment, they complicate door handle germ prevention. If you're in a public restroom that only has automatic hand dryers and no paper towels, it’s possible to open the door without contaminating your hands by using the toe of your shoe if you have really good balance and flexibility. Just don’t touch your shoes before Lysoling them…
…It’s really embarrassing when someone pushes the bathroom door open from the outside as you’re trying to do a kung–fu kick move to pull it ajar from the inside as the hand dryer continues blowing in the background...
…You can easily pull a groin muscle when doing kung-fu kick moves to 1) impress your significant other, 2) fight bad guys, or 3) open public restroom doors from the inside with your feet as the hand dryer continues blowing in the background…
…Pulled groins take a very long time to heal. But the healing process can be enhanced by consuming bananas, as bananas are full of potassium, which helps with strained and cramping muscles…
…Eating too many bananas can make one constipated. Meaning, you might have to treat it with one of those PM Pain Relief-resembling stool softening pills…
…If this painful groin-pulling, banana-eating-induced-constipation happens at night because of a kung-fu move to open a public restroom door while a hand dryer was blowing in the background and you can't sleep because of it all, you’re in a bit of a dilemma and may need to ignore some sage advice once given by Dave Barry: One should never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill (or some PM Pain Relief) and a laxative (or stool softener) in the same night…
...Also, I've realized it's better to try and not be such a germaphobe. And have good flexibility. Just in case the need for kung-fu moves ever arises.
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