The most common response to a question is probably “no.” I would think “yes” is a close second. Eternal optimists probably think it’s the other way around. “Maybe” likely comes in third. “OK” and “Huh?” surely round out the top five.
I often hear these responses when asking my kids questions. For example:
“Did you have a good day at school?”
“No.”
“Do you have lots of homework?”
“Yes.”
“Is that going to keep you up all night?”
“Maybe.”
“What do you want to have for dinner tonight?”
“OK.”
“Can you put down your phone and listen to what I’m saying?”
“Huh?”
There is also another response used, a maddening one I least like to hear above all others, taking more effort to say because it’s comprised of three words but is the emptiest, most meaningless phrase in the English language. No, it’s not “I love you,” (I’m not that pessimistic). While we say those three words a lot in my family, I think these three are spoken even more:
“I don’t know.”
It’s possible this response may be truthful when used—the responder could actually have no knowledge with which to answer. But for the most part, it’s a verbal jab, a way of pushing off the actual answer; one likely heard often by teachers, lawyers and police officers.
It can be a messy response, too. And I don’t just mean if it’s used while on a medieval quest seeking a sacred relic or just before finding a bucket of slime on your head. I’m talking about when it’s used to cover something someone doesn’t want to admit, like when parenting… or interrogating political figures…
“Did you do [such and such bad thing]?
“I don’t know.”
“Why did you do [such and such bad thing]?
“I don’t know.”
“What were you thinking right before you did that?”
“I don’t know.”
They do know, they’re just delaying admitting the inevitable. And once it's out, it's often a bigger mess to clean up afterward than if they'd just been honest in the first place.
However, I’ve learned a way to effectively wield this phrase as a parent. I was often accused (admittedly so) of too often using “we’ll see” when asked by a kid if they can do something—it’s a response that tends to have affirmative connotations regardless of intentions and often made things a different kind of messy.
Now, when queried by a kid, I offer up those three notorious words to keep things cleaner, albeit not necessarily clearer. It acknowledges I hear them but commits to nothing except ambiguity that cannot be construed for acceptance or denial:
“Dad can I see such and such movie that’s probably not appropriate?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can I drive your car?”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“I don’t know.”
It’s great because you can even use it in text form: “IDK”
Some may scoff at this notion and have all kinds of critical questions and comments about parenting like this. But I have some answers:
“Does this frustrate your children?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then, shouldn’t you stop saying ‘I don’t know’ to them?”
“No.”
“Do you think it will have a negative effect on your relationship with them?”
“Maybe.”
“And you’re OK with this?”
“We’ll see.”
“What is wrong with you?”
“Huh?”
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“OK.”
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