I love the ocean. It’s one of my favorite things. And everything in it. Except all the plastic.
Pollution of the plastic kind is hitting epidemic proportions within Neptune’s blue sea and its coastlines—and I don't mean a collection of sunbathers and all their plastic surgical enhancements along the sunny shores of South Beach. There are actual plastic islands. And the biology of sea life now contains plastic particles, meaning eventually—if not already—it will be found in us. That’s scary.
It’s not just particles to fear. Plastic straws are lethal, too. Ask the sea turtles. A while back, a disturbing video went viral of an Olive Ridley with one stuck in its nostrils. You can also ask inmates, as plastic straws have been banned in prisons because if you cap one end with your thumb, it can be used as a shiv.
More people, it seems, are concerned about the turtles, though. And, apparently, the plastic straw lobby is not as effective as the National Rifle Association’s, because that turtle video sparked an outrage leading to bans on them everywhere.
If we’re going to forever ban plastic sipping devices to protect turtles and other snorting sea life—as well as inmates—that’s probably a good thing. We just need something better than the current alternative: paper straws.
Remember how when consuming a Pixy Stick as a kid (or as an adult while “checking” your children’s Halloween candy), after a few sucks the tip would start dissolving and the tube itself became all bendy, making it impossible to get whatever flavored sugar remained at the other end? And those straws aren’t even submerged in liquid.
With paper straws, you have approximately three minutes to consume your beverage before dealing with a limp, soggy, mess that’s useless for sucking. Meaning you must ask for another one. To finish that drink at an average pace of consumption, it will require approximately 3.25 paper straws (not a truly scientific number).
Since most people consume 2.5 beverages at any restaurant sitting (also not a truly scientific number) and the average dining party is 3.5 people (again, not a truly scientific number), that means there are nearly 30 paper straws used at each table. If a restaurant has at least 10 tables, which are turned over 5 times each night, there are 1,421.875 paper straws served each night, and nearly 100,000 each year. I don’t know how many restaurants there are in the country, but at Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Airport alone there are 148 (a truly scientific number, at least in 2019, when air travel was normal), and if they’re all using paper straws, we’ve really got some big issues, because while all the turtles might be spared, that’s killing a lot of trees to produce 13.6 million paper straws.
I try to be pretty green. I don't drive a Prius, but we do recycle. We carry around clanging metal water bottles to cut back on single-use plastic. We take reusable grocery bags to the store. I’m in favor of protecting wildlife and saving oceans. I believe pollution severely impacts our home. We support organizations like Ocearch and Save the Manatee.
But the use of paper straws to eliminate plastic ones? I can't get behind this.
Because paper straws suck. Not in the intended way. We need something better.
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