Going to the movies is a sanctuary of escapism. I'm grateful I was finally able to recently return to it. However... I could not escape all the noise while there, interrupting my cinematic serenity. Not the bone-rattling, surround-sound systems unleashing explosive booms, snappy dialogue and riveting soundtracks. I rather enjoy that.
I mean the dialogue of those around me. The people who think they’re active participants in Mystery Science Theater, only they're not funny. Or the person emitting sounds and distracting glows on their phones.
While it’s unfortunate we need to be cautioned by theaters with pre-trailer reminders against being inconsiderate, there’s one glaring oversight in these reminders. And ironically, it's theaters themselves who are to blame. Everything a cinema sells us to eat is designed to make noise. Lots of it. From opening to consumption. Perusing the concessions stand is a showcase of volumes—not in size but decibels rivaling explosions atop Nakatomi Plaza.
Boxed candy—M&Ms, Milk Duds, Whoppers and Snowcaps—rattle around like maracas, and when seeing something like The Greatest Showman (no judgement, please), viewers often can’t help but shake it to accompany the soundtrack beats.
Bagged and wrapped candies—Skittles, Gummy Bears and Twizzlers (otherwise, a great movie candy because it is a consumable straw)—create excessive crackling when tearing apart the plastic.
Drinks are no exception. Straws are often repeatedly pumped up and down for some godforsaken reason to produce a Jaws-like sound, and when the liquid’s gone, people love to slurp—which is always a fruitless effort—and shake their cups with only the remaining ice. Again, sounding like maracas.
Movie nachos are the worst offenders. Aside from the permeating smell (which I enjoy elsewhere), there’s the crunch of each bite and inevitable reactive cries of annoyance at stray cheese dip dripping onto laps.
Then there’s popcorn. Grabbing handfuls make noise. So does shoving it in your mouth. This is even before the audible crunching of each bite. But it’s hard to complain about popcorn because it’s synonymous with moviegoing. The real issue is when the bag or bucket gets near empty, and the eater repeatedly shakes the container for some mysterious reason… perhaps to evenly distribute the butter among the remnants? To annoy surrounding moviegoers with a rolling God of Thunder sound of rattling kernels? Or multiple maracas?
Lastly, there’s the DIY movie goer, the one who packs their snacks and/or meals at home and sneaks them into the theater. I’ve witnessed their boisterous menus consist of any and everything: in-shell peanuts, individually wrapped leftover Halloween candy, crunchy lettuce wraps and fast-food fare. Unfortunately, not much can be done with them unless theaters start utilizing TSA-like airport scanners.
However, all is not lost for the Silence is Golden movie-watching goal. There is an offering to remedy everything while providing a cinematic silent sweet treat that even pays homage to an 80’s classic film:
Marshmallows.
Either raw or perhaps even in the ‘Smores variety. Wrapped in tissue, which can double as a silent mouth-wiping tool.
Accompanied by iceless Cokes with no straws to wash it down.
Maybe?
OK, maybe not... but when you're paying $20 per movie ticket to see a Nicolas Cage film, it's worth considering because only what’s on screen is worth hearing. Unless, of course, the Avengers are about to save earth. Crowd noise is expected then.
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